A number of developments has pushed me to become more expressive, more courageous in that expression, more honest, more open to new possibilities, including that of being shown to be wrong. It's been a rather vertiginous time -- but it's been like a sweet breeze blowing through the somewhat musty chambers of my life, mind, heart, body, and soul. I am, however, bracing myself for the whirlwind that is surely to follow. This anticipation, mind you, is not pessimism or the thought that all good things must come to an end. Not at all. Rather, it is the anticipation that if I am open to the truth and to life as much as I can embrace, then I will be profoundly unsettled. A lot of days, I'd rather have the gentle breeze than the hurricanes. Yet I need to remember that whirlwinds, though absolutely overpowering, can also be the very presence of God (see, for example, Job 38:1-3: "Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind: 'Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Gird up your loins like a man, I will question you, and you shall declare to me.'"" For someone who is pretty good at questioning others, I need to keep in mind what it might feel to be questioned by the One who knows all.)

There have been times in which I stopped writing on my weblog because I was sad, so sad that I had no energy or desire to communicate in writing to a general audience. Today is the first time in two weeks that I have updated this weblog -- but I'm glad to report that I have written nothing here, not because I've been sad, but because I've been wondrously happy living away from a mental and physical space that makes for good blogging.

It's not that I haven't been writing at all in cyberspace: my wiki has remained active on a near daily basis. Rather, I've just had the energy to pull together a set of coherent thoughts that I wanted to place here.

Maybe this entry marks a return to this weblog. Maybe not. Time will tell.

Lloyd invited a number of us by name to write about The Passion Of The Christ:

A hope (and a challenge?!) -- a few people I would like to see
write in their weblogs about the movie (and not necessarily a response
to the above): mom ... Pepe ... Raymond (a friendly nudge to Raymond:
dude, just write what you feel, without that inner editor/censor. it
might be liberating, it might be frightening, but the point is: it will
be you, and for that glimpse of You, this reader for one will be
grateful.)

I'm working on a response on my wiki -- and as an act of openness and vulnerability (and/or foolishness!) -- I'll let anyone interested see it in process. I've not seen the film yet, so my response is tenuous. When I finalize my response, I'll publish it here on my blog.

For now, let me quote (without comment here) the part of Lloyd's essay that jumped out at me:

The breadth of the crime against children perpetrated by priests is simply, agonizingly, appalling: 10,667 documented cases in the past half century, in America alone. Even taken at face value, that number is harrowing, and difficult to imagine. And can there be any doubt that the actual figure must be higher? I'm not going to say much more on this issue than this: this is most certainly indicative of a systemic flaw in Christianity. It is a cancer in the corpus of Christianity. Whether or not this cancer is inevitable or accidental is not the point; the point is that it exists, and it must be confronted for what it is, an absolute, horrifying evil. How this generation of Christians confronts it will define all our common humanity for the foreseeable future.[emphasis mine]

What I write on this weblog is a small part of what I typically write on the web any given day. My wiki has become the primary place I work out my ideas and dump random thoughts and observations. If you care to follow it, I recommend looking at TodaysNotes. There's a lot there that hasn't been well though through enough to "publish" here. But I'm growing increasingly comfortable with airing the materials on my wiki....

I've found it difficult to speak freely, from the heart, on my
weblog; maybe my wiki will be more freeing. Indeed, it has already
given me space to be messy, tentative, and downright wrong in my ideas
and fact-gathering. At the very least, I've not worried about literary
quality in this space. There is a blend of "high" and "low", really
refined pieces juxtaposed with a pastiche of URLs, cryptic phrases,
uncontextualized observations.

What drives this dichotomy? As Laura pointed out, perhaps it's because I've made a promise on this blog
to be rational, fair, even-handed. I've made no such promise on this
wiki. It's not that I don't embrace those qualities. Rather, I let
myself be freer to take on many other modes of communication -- and
that's what she observed to be missing on my blog. Hmmm....

Oh no, Laura, I managed to misrepresent what you said! How
embarrassing. Yet so appropriate. In my feeble attempt to write a bit
more freely, inspired by what I thought I had heard from you, I
stumbled. Will I now just stop writing now? No -- I must push on, write
first, and ask forgiveness later. Hmmmm....

How was I supposed to get to work today without getting soaked? The answer was simple: avoid the instant tributaries that swept my street and work at home. Driving in might have helped -- but no, I didn't want to keep driving into work. I felt it lame to move a ton of metal just to keep water from soaking my feet. But I don't like wet feet either.

As quickly as the waters gushed outside, a train of ants marched across the carpet of our rumpus room. A preternatural force, no doubt, because they disappeared as quickly as they appeared. I thought first of ant traps, the long struggle of ant wars past. But all the ants wanted was what I wanted -- to stay away from the flood. The rhythm of the ants matched that of the rain. I couldn't stop the latter; why did I think I could stand in the way of the former?

When I write and when I speak, I try to do so with utmost
propriety -- carefully, responsibly, discreetly. When I am unsure about
some matter, I try to calibrate my language to indicate the appropriate
level of uncertainty. I am not rash in my judgement.

So what do I do with that part of me -- even the dominant
half -- that is full of rage, prejudice, passion, irrationality? I just
want to scream sometimes to let loose, to let it all hang out,
unapologetically, without shame even.

I channel that unruliness into...silence.

I'm so tired...let's get on with it.

Be free!

I can't.

Why not?

I don't know.

Don't worry.

I'll try.

I mean it -- let go.

We'll see.

Amazon
Glitch Unmasks War of Reviewers (NYT). A glitch at the amazon.ca (the Canadian
affiliate of amazon.com) revealed the identity of many previously anonymous
reviewers, confirming some interesting patterns for anonymous reviews (e.g.,
book authors who post positive reviews of their own books; authors answering
their critics; people manipulating the book lists feature). This article made
me question the weight I had put in the reviews -- and make me want to put more
value on named, trusted reviewers. At the very least, it's helpful to know the
reputation of a reviewer and some understanding of the motivation behind the
reviews.

The current issue of the New Yorker is
incredibly engaging. Some of the pieces that I've read are:

• Nancy
  Franklin writes about The Apprentice, which I've gotten hooked on. Somehow
  it speaks to some the current challenges I have in my own life.
• An amazing piece by David Grann on the Aryan Brotherhood, thought to be
  one of America's most murderous prison gangs. You'll get a taste of the article
  through reading the online
  interview with Grann. What hellish placess are these prisons. I wondered
  what influence the power of the Christian gospel can have in such dark places.
  It's time to learn more about ministries such as the Prison
  Fellowship; I once delivered Christmas gifts to children of prisoners
  in Richmond as part of the Angel
  Tree organization.
• A nice piece by the classical music review Alex Ross on how classical music
  got to there its current place in the US, weaving in his own how he grew up
  on classical music but discovered the joys of "popular music" as he got into
  his 20s.

The hoops
that a restauranteur has to jump through to open a new pizzeria in South Berkeley
does seem excessive. Where's my gourmet pizza?

I was surprised to find Avenue Books on College Ave in Berkeley closed. There's
no sign on the store windows explaining the situation; the answering machine
sounds business as usual. I always did wonder how long it would stay in business,
however. OK -- here's a Berkeley
Daily Planet article from January on the closing. Later: one of
my housemates told me about that there were going-out-of-business sales throughout
January. How did I miss them?

I should read The Berkeley Daily
Planet more often -- I was intrigued by stories such as Big
Food Court Planned for Gourmet Ghetto:

Already signed up to move in are Kirala, south Berkeley's well
known sushi restaurant and Cesar, the popular tapas-bar started by
ex-Chez Panisse manager Richard Mazerra, who has agreed to help
Modarressi as a consultant for the project. On the waiting list are a
number of other restaurants that are trying to meet the qualifications
Modarressi and Mazerra have set out for the food. Other shops the pair
are currently considering include a rotisserie and chocolate store.
Several local wine producers have also been approached about possibly
creating a small co-op space.

"We're not going to rent to just anyone," said Modarressi.

I signed and sealed my ballot for the UC
Administrative Professionals Election.